A Break in Routine
by The Lillie
Summary: Yellow Diamond is tired and bitter but refuses to admit it.


Gems don't need to sleep. Their energy comes directly from their stone, and it's technically infinite. Due to this, it's safe to assume that Gems can't get tired. They can't be overworked, they don't need rest. They can continue forever in whatever task they've been made for without ever needing a break in their routine, without ever slacking or faltering or wearing thin.

So why do you always feel so _exhausted?_

It's been getting worse with this war dragging on. Every day that passes brings more bad news, of your forces depleting, of the enemy strengthening, of your people ever-so-quietly beginning to murmur dissent. Those loyal to you clearly outnumber the rebels, to be sure, but the gap is starting to close.

You have no choice but to work harder. Every moment is pushed to the limit of how many things you can do in its time. There are schematics to plan, projects to monitor, defenses to design, soldiers to command, messages to receive and deliver, and you absolutely must do everything at once. Your sisters can help with some of it, but they have so much else to do as well that the burden barely feels lighter. You're working so hard and it's showing, it's carving lines into your throat, it's painting shadows under your eyes.

But Gems can't be tired. So Diamonds _can't_ be tired.

You have to stay on track and you have to stay focused. Especially with the big project you and your sisters have just begun. The last resort. The final attack, to end the war and put this all behind you. It'll be at a great cost, but if that's what it takes, you're willing to spend that, you're willing to work for that.

Or so you convince yourself.

You can't get tired. But every now and then, you can get overwhelmed.

In times like these, thank the stars they are rare, you can do absolutely nothing. All your work, all your guilt, all your insecurity, all your exhaustion closes in on you, and you just shut down for a moment. You toss away every chattering screen before you, remove every obligation and distraction, til the room is empty but for you and your silent little pearl, and you close your eyes for just a moment or two. It isn't enough for you to fully recover, of course, but it's enough to keep you from breaking down.

It's in one of these times that the worst news comes, in the form of a scrabbling, scrambling topaz banging panickedly on your door and screeching "My Diamond! My Diamond, something terrible has happened!"

You react quickly, impulsively, startled from your moment of quiet and angry at being so interrupted. Your pearl scampers out of your way as you stand and stride to the door.

"My Diamond, please, it's urgent-"

You fling open the door. " _What_ could possibly be so urgent as to warrant this interruption?"

The topaz shrinks in on herself, but doesn't stop squeaking. "My Diamond, I'm so sorry to disturb you-I would never consider ever doing so if it wasn't of the very utmost importance-"

"Spit it out!"

She whimpers, and her eyes are filled with shocked and fearful tears-not because of your outburst, but because of the message she has to deliver.

" _Pink Diamond's been shattered."_

* * *

It hasn't always been this way.

Long ago, it feels, things were calmer. You still had your work, but sometimes you had time for idleness too. Time you used to talk to me, play with me. It felt like you and our other sisters were so busy even then, so we treasured that time as much as we could.

I wanted to be just like you, all three of you. I watched from the background as you discovered planets, built colonies, expanded our empire, eagerly awaiting the day when I could do the same.

Alas-I should have been more patient.

You tried to warn me.

"How far are you planning to take this?" you asked one day, long before the war started. The two of us were lounging above an arena, watching a pair of quartzes spar-one with a mace, one with an axe. They were the first to be created from this planet, brand-new amethysts from my brand-new Kindergarten. I was so proud of them.

"As far as I can," I answered excitedly. "A hundred spires, a hundred arenas, as many Kindergartens as we can dig with all this rich soil-it'll be such a wonderful asset to the empire!"

"You're ambitious," you remarked.

The mace-wielding amethyst landed a blow on her opponent.

"I just want to be as efficient as possible," I said. "There's _so_ many resources on this planet. It'd just be a waste not to use every last bit of material, right?"

"Just be careful," you replied. The mace amethyst took another swing, but was blocked by the axe. "This is your first colony. You're allowed to take it a little more easily."

I scoffed a little as my amethysts' weapons clashed a few times. "I don't need practice. I've been watching you and Blue and White with your colonies for eons. I can _do_ this. I promise."

I took my eyes off the match to meet your gaze.

"I'll be a real Diamond," I said.

You were a little disappointed at this. Not disappointed in me, but in yourself.

A short cry drew my attention back to the arena; Axe had managed to wound Mace's leg.

"Sister, you _are_ a real Diamond," you said.

You put your hand on my shoulder, but I was too invested in watching my soldiers to turn and look at you. Mace was still going strong despite her injury.

"Ambition can often bring danger," you continued. "Don't try to push yourself or this planet past the limit to try to prove yourself. You know how much we already love you."

I smiled at you and squeezed your hand.

"I'm going to show everyone I'm worthy of that love," I said.

I didn't see your reaction to that, because at that exact moment the mace collided with the other amethyst's head. The loser of the match disappeared in a shimmering cloud, and I leapt to my feet to applaud the winner.

* * *

After the terrible news, you can't help but mutter "I told you so."

But the bitterness in your heart isn't directed at me. It's directed at this planet, this miserable hunk of rock that had such lovely rich potential. If it wasn't for this despicable planet, you'd still have your little sister.

Your little sister was so excited. So purely and innocently determined. Your little sister did not deserve this.

So you throw yourself even more violently into your work.

The war only gets worse, of course, because Pink Diamond's colony can't stand without Pink Diamond. The rebels are attacking with renewed dedication and determination, because if one Diamond can fall, then so can the others.

But you. You will not fall. You will not slack. You will not falter. You will not wear thin.

You. Can. Not. Be. Tired.

The final blow, the last resort, is nearly ready to be used, but your sisters are still hesitant. All you care about, though, is making this planet suffer for what it did to me. So you start your own project. It's cruel, it's brutal, it's monstrous, but by the stars, this planet deserves it. These rebels deserve it.

It'll take several thousand years to take effect, so it'll be too late to affect the war. But it'll be the perfect revenge.

The war continues. Your work continues.

Casualties climb on both sides, gems getting lost or captured or harvested or shattered. And somehow, before you know it, you're the only Diamond left.

Alone, you complete your project.

Alone, you order an evacuation.

Alone, you use the last resort.

You put the war behind you and you forget about the earth.

You don't get any chances to close your eyes anymore.

* * *

From now on, you manage the great Gem empire by yourself. You keep exploring and building and conquering and creating, sticking to a routine that never ends. You're efficient and effective, stern and severe. You're not tired.

You remove my symbol from the Diamond insignia, but you keep the others in the hope they'll come back. You don't tell your people that they're gone-that might weaken the empire.

They weren't shattered, only lost. Someday they'll find themselves and then find you again.

Or so you convince yourself.

* * *

A few thousand years pass, and you receive word that your project is approaching completion. The hotness with which you created has faded a bit, but now you're more eager than ever for the earth to be gone for good. You send an assignment down the ranks to send a peridot to check on the planet. In a short while she'll send back a report saying all is well, and the Cluster will soon emerge and destroy the earth.

She returns, requesting an escort. You send her one of your soldiers. Subconsciously you know that this jasper was my favorite, when she was mine; subconsciously you want to get rid of her, because she's just a constant reminder that I'm gone.

You don't hear from either of them again.

* * *

Until you do.

"This is the Yellow Diamond Control Room."

Pearl takes most of your calls nowadays, and normally you manage to completely ignore her to focus on your real work. Sometimes, though, her voice is a little bit shriller than usual, and it distracts you. You try to keep on task anyway.

"Who authorized you to make this call?"

"No one. But it's an emergency!"

"That's no excuse to use the direct Diamond communication channel!"

This line catches your attention.

You take your hand from your screen and turn your attention toward her.

"Pearl?"

She curls up defensively, arms up in front of her gem, inching backwards. "Yes, my Diamond?"

"Why is there someone on the Diamond line?"

"I don't know!" Her fear fades as she shifts the blame away to the communicator. "I was just about to tell her that-"

If it's something to make Pearl upset like this, then it's not important enough for you to waste your time worrying about it. But you'd rather not hear her voice anymore, so you pick the communicator up yourself. "I'll take it from here."

"My Diamond!" says the gem on the line. You're not looking at her; you're still working; you don't care, you just want this over with. "Peridot, reporting in."

"Which peridot?"

"F-facet 2F5L, cut 5XG."

You run the code through a quick search to find out why she's calling. She keeps talking, so you hold up a hand to silence her.

"This says you're behind schedule on your mission to…"

You pause. The words on your screen, the image of this peridot's assigned planet, are familiar to you.

"How is the earth?" you ask, turning to look at her.

She's cringing and sweating, just like every other scared little pebble you talk to. "It's...full of life."

Just the thought of it makes you sneer. "Organic life." You scroll through another part of her previous reports. "And where is the jasper I assigned you? And why aren't you calling from the ship?"

"The ship was...destroyed."

That's unpleasant to hear. With all your dwindling resources, you can't afford to be throwing away ships and soldiers willy-nilly. You'll feel better if you have someone to punish for this. "By whom?"

"I-i-it was destroyed by...no one. There was an accident. While we were landing."

Hmph, you think. Fine. You're not going to waste your energy on this one. "I'll inform your manager of your incompetence. And what is the status of the Cluster?"

"The Cluster will emerge shortly."

Finally. Something you actually want to hear. Some comfort, some catharsis.

"Good," you say, leaning back in your seat. "We'll finally get some use out of that miserable planet. Thank you for your report, Peridot. There'll be a ship heading to your location to take you to your next assignment."

"Wait!"

You wait.

"I-I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report," Peridot stammers.

"You already have," you reply.

"No, I mean-the reason I called-" Peridot fidgets and stammers some more. "The real reason is…" She straightens. "I believe we should terminate the Cluster!"

You freeze. You weren't expecting this.

But then you tilt your head back, still overall disinterested. "Why?"

"The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world," Peridot explains excitedly. "We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon!"

You close your eyes. The peridot is still talking. You don't have time for this.

"I've heard enough," you say sharply. "I don't care about potential and resources."

She's baffled. "What?"

"I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to _die_." You turn back to your other work again. "Just make that happen."

"...No!"

Pearl gasps.

Now you're genuinely surprised. You glare at the still-floating communicator. "Are you questioning my authority?"

"I'm-questioning your objectivity! My Diamond!" she tries to amend.

You stand.

 _How dare she talk like this. How dare she think like this. How dare she disrespect you._

"You are out of line."

"I just think-"

"I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a peridot," you say. "You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to-"

"But-"

You're not used to being interrupted or argued against. You're not used to being so angry. And it absolutely burns you down to your core.

" _Shut_ your mouth!"

She shuts her mouth.

Deep down, you're sort of enjoying this. You thought you were about to simply fade and become part of the endless routine, and now you've got something to pull you out. Now you've got something to care about, something to feel something about.

And if that feeling is sharp painful fiery rage, then so be it.

"You have failed at every stage of this mission," you say firmly. "Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this _simple_ order." You're almost shouting, you're so mad. "You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take _immense_ satisfaction in erasing that _hideous_ rock off of our star maps. _Is-that-clear?!"_

Peridot squeezes her eyes shut and opens her mouth.

"I WON'T DO IT!"

Your jaw drops.

"I can tell you with certainty there are things on this planet worth protecting!" Peridot proclaims.

"What do _you_ know about the earth?!" you fire back.

"Apparently more than you!" Peridot yells. "You... _CLOD!"_

 _Ohhhh._

You're _reeeally_ mad now.

And she knows it, and she's scared, and she'd _better_ be scared. She closes out the communication, but oh, that doesn't change anything. You'll get the final word, you'll get the final blow, you'll give that planet what it deserves and you're not going to let this little clump think that there's anything anyone can do to change that.

You destroy the communicator remotely. It's safe to assume the peridot is destroyed with it-whether temporarily or permanently doesn't matter, because either way it will put her back in her place.

Oh yes, you're mad, you're furious, you're livid. But there's one last loose end to tie up, one last thing to do before you can return to your-

You stop.

You take one step backwards; you sink back into your chair. Your vision tilts and blurs.

No, no, you're not tired. You don't have time to be overwhelmed, either, not with all these screens and lights and monitors flashing at you-

"Pearl," you say. "Cut the power to this room."

"M-my Diamond?"

" _Now."_

Pearl jumps into a scurry. It takes her an agonizing two, three, four seconds to complete her job, and then-

Darkness.

Silence.

Stars, it's been a long time since you've had a chance to…

close your eyes.

You exhale.

"Thank you, Pearl. I'll just be a moment."

Operating on autopilot is part of the reason you've been able to withstand the routine for this long. The amount of effort it's taken to put yourself directly into the conflict, to directly feel that rage-it's taxing. You need these few seconds to rest.

You'll feel guilty, later, for taking a break at such an important time, but I truly don't hold it against you. Please, really, I don't. I want you to rest. You know that. The reason I was so anxious to earn your love was because I love _you_ so much.

When you open your eyes, you can keep going. You can send a little team to go collect my jasper, you can start making more plans, you can continue forward with your work.

Later.

For now, dear sister, please rest. You've done all you can.


End file.
